One of THOSE Days
*This blog post was first published on meglynchwriter.wordpress.com on September 21, 2013.
The past two days have been completely amazing.
I’ve witnessed some amazing things happening, both in my life and the lives of others.
I’ve connected with some really great people.
I got my very first email order for a journal.
I got the call that I got the job. (FINALLY!!!)
But today…
I’ve been riding the STRUGGLE TRAIN today.
My dad’s Parkinson’s medication hasn’t come yet. It’s been over a week, and it’s just been so hard….but this morning takes the cake.
I wrote a letter last night, a really encouraging one that I’ll post in a bit. I woke up this morning after having very little sleep, but excited for the day nonetheless. There were a lot of things I was going to get done today that have needed to be done.
But mom’s car wouldn’t start this morning, and dad tried to jump start the battery or whatever. And I think he did it wrong, but we wound up buying a new one and trying to install it anyway. First, he was trying to unscrew the bolts, but he didn’t even have the wrench on the nuts (Can you tell I’m kind of just trowing around words right now? Because I really have no idea what to cal everything.). So I made him move over and let me do it. Then I dropped the wrench down the side of the car, so it got stuck (and is currently still stuck) between the outside, blueish metal part and the casing around the engine.
But when mom and I went to get lunch and the new battery, we asked him to go inside and wait, right? But no! We have no idea what he did the whole time we were gone, but it was raining when we got back, and he was still outside with the car. He had gotten a pair of tiny pliers and was trying to get the wrench out, or maybe he was doing something else, and that’s why the car won’t work now? All I know is, when mom told him to close the hood of her car, he just tried to pull it closed, which bent the rod that holds it up. AND HE DIDN’T GET IT. He didn’t understand why it wasn’t closing, and he doesn’t understand that it’s BROKEN, so it won’t fit into it’s previous place.
And then I got the battery into the right place and everything; I got everything tightened right enough; the red was on the red and the black was on the black, but the car wouldn’t start. It didn’t make a sound…it didn’t do a damn thing. It won’t even lock. It’s basically a giant metal box at the moment. (A clean one, now, at least. Mom took some time to clean everything out.)
But I got frustrated and yelled at him that he broke it (because he did–he just doesn’t understand/remember that he did), and he got mad that I closed the hood without putting the rod in its rightful place, even though it will probably never go back there again. Poor thing.
I think I really got frustrated the most because I wanted to do something with a car and get it right. You know? There’s a part of me that wants to do all the seemingly meaningless, menial jobs out there, mechanics being on that list. Like, maybe if I could put the battery in, I could maybe possibly be a mechanic some day…but I couldn’t even do that right. But then I started getting mad because, like, why hasn’t he ever tried to teach me this stuff? I had a feeling he didn’t do the jump start properly, but how can I possibly know for sure?
And I was sweaty and covered in engine grime and soaked from the rain and frustrated as all get-out. I just wanted to scream and cry and punch something. But I couldn’t, so I didn’t. I went to the den and tried hug Max and Lily…they just don’t understand the concept of a hug. In Lily’s defense, she really tried, but I think she was scared of being on my lap.
But how do you tell your daddy that he can’t do something, that something being a lot of things? How do you tell him that it’s not HIS car anymore, because he’s not ALLOWED to drive anymore? And how do you stay angry at someone who has no idea what’s going on, for not knowing what’s going on?
How can I not be mad at him for not teaching me stuff about cars and everything else he never taught me earlier? But how can I let that madness eat at me and eat at me til there’s nothing left?
But I’m sitting in the quiet room of the library, and the room is pretty full, but all I hear is the ticking of my laptop keys and the rain on the roof. I am surrounded by windows, which means I get to watch the rain but not get any more soaking wet than I am now. I’m listening to good, calming, peaceful music, and it’s helping a lot.
This is going to be ok. It has to be. It’s a learning and growing experience, and I’m going to take to be that, Wish me luck.