When Life Gets Hard, Choose Hope

This blog post was first published on meglynchwriter.wordpress.com on October 14, 2016.

It’s been quite a while since I posted about my dad and the journey our family has been on through the horrible disease that is Parkinson’s. Part of that is because I can’t match the beauty of So Far, So…. Part of that is because it’s getting harder, and I don’t want to face it.

I want to start by saying that I really appreciate it when people ask how my dad’s doing. My life hasn’t always had people actually interested in the things that hurt me, so it means a lot to me when I mean so much to you that you would actually ask about my family. I appreciate that so much.

My go-to answer is that he’s doing good, that my mom is doing good, that I’m doing good, that my brother is doing good, though my face usually tells the truth about that statement. I’m a bad liar; I know. It’s just hard to say the truth.

Because the truth of the matter is I don’t have words for how he’s doing. I’m a writer, and words are my life, but it’s hard to find words for his entire body is shaking all the time now not just his arms and there is nothing we can do because he’s taking more of the medicine but it isn’t working as much and there’s nothing else we can do.

And it’s hard to find words for my dad isn’t sleeping through the night and he gets confused and it’s wearing down me and my mom because we aren’t getting enough sleep either and I feel guilty for yelling at him but I just can’t help him and he won’t shut up.

And it’s hard to find words for people have prayed healing over him and I just don’t see the effects of that when I know prayer works in every other area but why won’t God fix this?

I don’t think that’s something people want to hear, so I don’t say it.

And I don’t want to cry in public because it’s perceived as weakness, so I fake a smile and lie to cover the pain.

I’ve been starting my mornings with screaming matches, and “What about me?” has become the mantra of our house. It’s not too much for me to ask for peace and quiet while I get ready for work, but it never seems to happen. Humans can only give so much before it’s detrimental to their selves, but every day, we have to find more and more to give.

In the Christian circle, we’re supposed to praise God always and thank him for everything, and saying IT SUCKS SO BAD RIGHT NOW AND I’M ANGRY doesn’t really do that. As a Christian in the world, I want to show positivity all the time and be the light in the darkness, but it’s so hard when you’re not feeling much hope.

Everyone told us Parkinson’s just gets worse and worse, but neither my mom nor I actually believed it would. They told us it would get harder, but we didn’t think it could get any harder than it already was. We didn’t think we could feel this helpless.

I haven’t written about this journey because I like finding beauty in the ugly, and I want everyone to see the beautiful in the world, but I just can’t see how this can be beautiful. I’m smack in the middle of the worst situation imaginable; my heart is telling me it’s only going to get worse, but my mind can’t fathom how Parkinson’s can get any worse. But I know that’s what I thought two years ago. It can’t get any worse than this.

But my hope doesn’t lie in Parkinson’s, does it?

It can be so hard to remember that when we’re staring down the barrel of life’s fully-loaded gun.

It’s hard to remember God said he won’t give you anything you can’t handle with him on your side, and it’s just as hard to remember he promised to never ever leave your side.

It’s hard to be vulnerable with God and with those closest to you when you feel nothing but weakness and resentment, but that’s the only way we can be not-alone.

Sharing this hurt with people I trust is the only reason I’ve made it this far. The listening ears of my friends and my mom are the only reason I’m still doing this – the only reason I’m still able to do this. I cannot fathom having to do this on my own.

And neither should you.

If you need someone to talk to, I promise I am a safe place. There is no judgement here, only understanding, equality, and love. Please do not leave your anger bottled up to explode – it only hurts yourself. You can email me at meglynch203@gmail.com or find me on Instagram @meglynchwriter. My inbox, as well as my heart, is always open to new friends and ready to help a fellow human in need.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for caring. Thank you for hoping. Thank you for praying.